Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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