Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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