she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
