Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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