The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
