I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
