Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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