Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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