I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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