Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
