Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
