I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
