i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
