I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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