eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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