First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
