Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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