Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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