If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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