According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
