Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
