im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
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