my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
