I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
