im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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