you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
