I can tuck mytits in my pants
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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