My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
