I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
