I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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