Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
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