Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
