I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
