the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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