Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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