I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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