I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
