thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
