I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
