I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
