shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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