I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
