i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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