the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
