Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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