You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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