dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
