I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
