Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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