Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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