did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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