just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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