I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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