Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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